Survival
by caskettinacastle
Summary: Castle and Beckett have been hiding their relationship from everyone for weeks, and now the doubts have started to creep in. Should they tell the others their secret? Also, something dramatic happens that helps the both of them put things into perspective. After all, it never was just a regular love story, was it? Caskett. (Rated M for sexual content!)


Title: **Survival**  
Category: TV Shows » Castle  
Author: caskettinacastle  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M  
Genre: Drama

_**Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)**_

_**Spoilers: Through episode 1 of Season 5**_

_**Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it M!)**_

_**A/N: Just a more serious take on Castle and Beckett's relationship and what I think it will take for them to admit certain thing to one another. It's more dramatic than fluff, but there are some nice moments between them as well. I've rated it M for some sexual content (though it's not super graphic).**_

* * *

As Castle stared up into the eyes of the man currently aiming the gun at his forehead, Castle couldn't help but wonder how a day that had started out so perfectly had transformed into one that could very well be his last. He searched his mind frenetically, trying to find the exact moment where things had all gone wrong. Unfortunately, Castle quickly realized that there was no specific moment, but rather, there seemed to be a culmination of events. He supposed that it all started with a poorly timed question, one that had been in the forefront of his mind for weeks. In hindsight, it was a dumb thing to ask. It was very dumb. To broach the question when he knew for a fact that she wasn't ready to tell the others had been a mistake. And just like that they had gone from waking up to one another, to taking a "break," as they called it.

Castle woke as a warm orange glow permeated his thin eyelids. He let out a groan of lamentation, as he was loath to accept that the morning had in fact come, despite his wishes to live in the moment forever. Light meant that the morning had come, and that his perfect evening with one amazingly beautiful detective, otherwise known as Kate Beckett, was in fact over. For the longest time after their love making, Castle had been determined to stay awake, to just take in every detail. He wanted to take in every curvature, every perfect contour of Kate's bare flesh. He wanted to revel in the feelings he had experienced as they made love. He had managed to stay awake for a while, but in the end, he had ultimately failed. As Castle contemplated the reasons why he had failed in his attempts to watch the completely prone hazel-eyed brunette, he became surprised that he had even fallen asleep to begin with. He hadn't felt particularly tired, but perhaps their previous activities had worn him out a little more than he originally thought. Or perhaps he had drifted off so easily, because he felt so incredibly relaxed. Over the course of the last year insomnia had been one of his biggest problems, and cruelest tormentors. He often found it impossible to turn off his thoughts at night when he lay in bed by himself. He felt lonely. There was nothing else to it. But now, the feelings of emptiness were gone. He rejoiced a little bit at that thought. Everything just felt so right as he held Kate in his arms. He just couldn't help but feel at peace when he had Kate wrapped up in his arms.

Castle took a voracious breath as his body began to wake and adjust to consciousness. As long as Kate's wonderfully delicate scent pervaded his nostrils, he was insatiable. He took another greedy breath as the most luscious smell met his nose. It was sweet, delicate, a perfect cross between cherry and vanilla. It was going to be a languorous beginning to his morning, he was sure. He couldn't remember ever feeling so reluctant to wake, and start the day. But deep in the recesses of his mind, he knew that it was inevitable. He had to get up. After all, there was too much work to be done. There was an open case that he and Kate had been working for the better part of a week now, with no major leads. And he calculated that there could be only a few more minutes of indolence before the alarm clock would go off. He silently wondered whether Kate would wake up to the discordant sounds of the alarm clock, or if she would rather be woken up with umm… (let's just call them alternative methods). It was a no brainer, Castle realized, as he fantasized about some of the ways Kate had roused him since their relationship had begun several weeks ago.

Castle let out a sigh as he focused on the comforting warmth of the lean body pressed up against his side. He no longer felt cold, as he became used to, back when he woke up to an empty bed every morning. But rather, his body felt warm and flushed. He could feel the heat of Kate's body, the penetrating warmth that warmed him to the core. He swore that Kate had melted his heart over the course of their passionate lovemaking, and she'd seemingly done it from the inside out, with her words and her gentle but firm passion filled touches. Castle took another deep breath, letting it out slowly. His eyes flickered open, and for a moment, he laid completely still. The warm orange glow became bright rays of sunlight meeting his pupils and for a moment he was forced to squint against the obtrusive light. He silently cursed himself out for not remembering to shut the blinds before he'd drifted off, and lifted his free hand to his face in an effort to try and wipe the tiredness from them. As he did so, Castle shifted slightly, and subsequently felt the sleeping brunette shift against him before settling back into his side. Her head was still laid gently on his chest, and her hair was fanned out gently behind her, tickling the skin of Castle's naked torso. It felt so perfect.

Castle's fingers played ever so gently with he soft wavy curls that felt so undeniably perfect. The silken strands felt soothing as they slipped between his fingers. He knew it was silly, but he'd had very vivid dreams about running his hands through her hair. The first time he had run his hands through it, had been the first time he'd tasted her lips. For another long moment, he savored the smell and the feel of her body. She fit against him so perfectly. She moaned lightly in her sleep as he neglected her hair for a moment in favor of running his hands over the perfect planes of her shoulders and upper back. He etched patterns into the soft, radiant skin that almost shimmered in the warm glow of the sunlight spilling into the room. She was so beautiful that there were still times Castle found it hard to breathe in her presence. Part of him wondered how he had gotten so lucky as to deserve her.

"Mmm," Kate's sleepy moan pulled Castle out of his own thoughts. Right. What had he been doing again?

Castle hummed softly under his breath as he carefully brushed several strands of errant locks behind Kate's ear, exposing the perfectly symmetrical features of Kate's face to his eyes. His breath hitched as he admired her beauty for a long moment, before he pressed his lips against the top of her head. He admired her cherry tinted lips (God, he loved cherries), flushed cheeks, and fluttering eyelashes. Kate's brow furrowed and let out a soft groan. Castle made the silent and rather obvious conclusion that she must be dreaming, though, of what, he couldn't be sure. He just hoped it was a good dream, as opposed to the alternative. One thing he'd realized over the course of their sleepovers (which always seemed to be unplanned) is that she frequently experienced nightmares was quite high. And most of them were severe enough to wake her in a panic.

Kate let out another sleepy moan and shifted against him, muttering something about something being, "so warm and soft…" Castle suddenly stopped breathing as the friction of her warm body sliding against his, no matter how gently it was done, clearly awoke a ravenous hunger deep at his very core. Fortunately, as his panic started to build he found a quick out. Over the course of her shifting, Kate's arm had loosened its grip around Castle middle. He took a few deep calming breaths and decided to try the "Hug and Roll" method he'd learned from some television show he watched. From what he could remember, the method had been somewhat of a disaster on the show, but he was at loss of what to do and decided to just go for it. And so slowly, Castle wrapped his arms around Kate, pulling her tight in his arms. He gave her an extra little squeeze and then began the painstaking maneuver of rolling her back to her side of the bed. When she finally settled back against the pillows, Kate seemed like a sleeping goddess. He saw her shiver, and he quickly moved into action. He covered her with a thin layer of sheets.

Her eyes were still closed, so he decided to try a different approach. He hovered over her ever so carefully. He was close enough to breathe the same air, but far enough away that his skin didn't touch hers. He smiled a little in mischievousness before placing a feather light kiss to her jaw, one that was so light it could hardly be detected. From there, he kissed a small trail down her jaw, her neck, and beyond, stopping at the hollow beneath Kate's ear. She moaned again. Her body was becoming aware of his ministrations, but he could tell that she was still on the precipice of sleep. Castle's tongue darted out to taste soft, salty skin, and his mouth sucked gently at the juncture where her neck met shoulder. Another moan came out, one that was much louder this time, but there was still no reciprocation. Castle decided he was going to have to try harder.

He positioned himself a little closer to her now. His chest brushed gently against hers as they both breathed in, and it was such a delicious type of friction that Castle wondered how Kate wasn't aware of him yet. But in the end, it didn't matter. Castle wasn't about to stop anytime soon.

Castle's lips and hands trailed onwards, and Castle kissed a pathway from Kate's sternum to the valley between Kate's perfect, pert breasts. He took a long moment to pause at the scar that had come to mean so much to the two of them. He gave it a tender kiss and ran his fingers over the pale pucker left in Kate's otherwise flawless skin. As he touched her, Kate's body arched off the bed an inch or so before falling down. He smiled as she moaned some variation of, "Mmm, Castle…" before settling back on the bed. Castle shook his head and chuckled softly. Who would have known that it would be this difficult to wake Kate up from a peaceful slumber? She was usually such a light sleeper. Castle thought that it her inability to sleep soundly might have something to do with her line of work. After all, detectives have to be aware of everything they do when they're on duty. And subsequently also learn how to take in every detail. Kate was also very good at sensing danger, and it often put her on edge. The slightest sounds could put Kate on edge from time to time. He wasn't sure if it was still the PTSD or something a little more benign.

Castle hummed softly to himself as he crawled back up her body and took her lips in a kiss. In a barely audible whisper, Castle tried to judge her state of alertness. "Kate, honey, its morning. It's time to wake up…" Still nothing. "Hmm, you really don't want to get up this morning do you," he joked softly. And then chuckled after seeing Kate shake her head from side to side.

"_Somebody,_" Kate emphasized the word in a voice still hoarse from sleep. "Kept me up until all hours of the night." Kate covered her eyes with her forearm to block out most of the light. It wasn't very effective, but it helped her eyes adjust to the onslaught of light a little better than the alternative.

"Mmm," he quibbled, "I seem to remember it a bit differently."

"Oh yeah?" Kate challenged, her eyes flashing as she let her forearm fall away from her face and turned so that she could meet his eyes.

"Yeah," Castle countered, "If I'm remembering correctly, _you_ were the one who kept insisting that we go another round." Kate looked at Castle innocently for a long moment, though her cheeks started to flush when she thought about all of the ways Castle had practically worshipped her body last night. She was simply amazed by him. She was amazed because he was the most generous, unbelievably passionate and open person she had been graced to have in her life. He was so caring, tender, and attentive during their love making. And in her mind, Castle put all of her past lovers to shame.

She loved Castle. There was no question about that. I mean, after all, he was the first person she'd let in this far. But despite her wishes, Kate still couldn't seem to let him in completely. It was a long and arduous effort, one that never stopped. She continued to work on it day by day, slowly taking away one brick after another.

After her mother's murder, she built that wall up around herself to keep herself protected. Never again was she willing to feel that pain. Never again was she going to fall apart like she did after losing one of the people she loved most in the world. And she knew that the best way to keep from getting hurt was to protect your heart, but the logic in building up that wall was so fundamentally flawed.

Somehow, over the last four years, the man currently hovering over her in her bed had won her heart. He hadn't cheated or tricked her in any way, but he had won it fairly. He'd been patient. And in the end, he had exhausted four years worth of patience. In that time, he'd seemingly found a hole in the wall she'd erected around herself, and had wriggled his way through. There was no doubt about his intentions. It had to be his persistence, and the depth of his love for her that had spurred him on in even the bleakest of moments. It was his childlike determination and relentlessness that she felt was the reason for his ultimate success.

It still ate Kate up inside that she hadn't been able to say those three words, the ones that she knew that he most longed to hear. Castle had been so very patient with her. And in some ways his patience, his reassurance that it didn't matter if she couldn't admit it just yet, that made her feel even worse. And now it seemed like there was this unspoken rule. He was always careful not to push her. She wanted to say it. She wanted to tell him that she loved him so badly. But every time she opened her mouth to say it, it just got stuck in her throat.

Kate groaned at her inner monologue out of pure frustration and squeezed her eyes shut. She just wanted to go back to sleep now, where her mind couldn't babble on endlessly about the things she tried the most not to think about.

"Uh uh uh," Castle clicked his tongue. "No going back to bed." Kate groaned, and quickly reached down for the duvet covers. She pulled them back up against Castle's wishes, abruptly covering her head and body. She burrowed further into the blankets with one question echoing in her mind. 'What's wrong with me?'

Castle chuckled softly again as he tugged at the covers, trying to pull them back down.

"Okay," He smiled as he thought of a proposition. "Okay. I can see that I haven't convinced you yet." He felt his heart melt a little as Kate wriggled her head from side to side, unwilling to yield. He saw the covers move and drew his own conclusions. "So, I'll make you a deal." He took another pause to make sure she was listening. "You listening?" he asked quietly. A bob of the covers told him she was. "Okay. So the deal is that if you get up now, I'll make you pancakes," he teased. "And all you have to do is pull down the covers and open your eyes." He was met with silence, inaction. Then he added. "Oh, and a kiss or two wouldn't hurt either." He wished that she had been able to see the little wink he'd given her, but she was still hidden from him.

"The only this is... the deal expires in five seconds." Still nothing. "five. four. three. two. o-," The look in Castle's eyes at that moment was devilish. He reached down to where he knew Kate's hips to be, and a squeal left her lips as his fingers frantically wriggled back and forth. Even through the thick fabric of the duvet cover, the tickling seemed to be working. He quickly decided that Kate's peals of laugher were the sweetest and best sound he'd ever heard. She cried out, pleading for him to stop and he finally relented as he became genuinely concerned that she wasn't getting enough oxygen from laughing for so hard for so long. Slowly, he pulled down the blankets, exposing her perfect and prone body as he did so. Her eyes were shining brightly, her skin absolutely radiant, and her complexion had a healthy flush to it. Her soft wavy brown curls were splayed over the pillow and tangled in some places, but Castle swore he'd never seen anything quite as beautiful.

Castle quickly pressed a chaste kiss to Kate's lips and darted away. The kiss happened so fast, and Kate wasn't able to react to it enough for her own satisfaction. The thought made her a little bitter. "You call that a kiss?" she teased softly.

Castle smiled as sheer happiness bubbled up inside of him.

He had a mischievous look in his eyes as went for her lips again. This time, Kate kissed him back softly, exchanging a series of feather light kisses with him. He pecked her lips softly, happy to be making progress, but Kate's eyes fluttered closed at some point during the kiss and stayed resolutely closed.

Castle pulled away, wondering silently how long it was take her to figure out he was no longer in kissing distance. And sure enough, he could sense Kate's frustration and feeling of loss when she tried to kiss him and his lips were no longer there. Even in the cloudy haze of sleep Kate experienced a deep sense of longing for Castle. She opened her eyes, seized his body and pulled him back into, what he could only call one hell of a kiss. She wasn't hungry for anything else. She just wanted him.

Kate fought an internal plethora of emotions as she thought back to the night she had nearly lost him. She had waited four painful years, and then, in a fit of stubbornness had almost given up the chance of ever having anything with Castle. And now? She had since promised herself she would never let him go.

In fact, as she had sat on the swing in the middle of a downpour, she had been sure she was too late. Even now, she felt as if she could apologize to Castle a million times for some of the things she had said and still not feel as if she should be forgiven.

Castle stole her thoughts away again as he kissed his way back down Kate's chest, inch by inch, and Kate's chest rose off the bed of its own accord as Castle's warm wet mouth took possession of her right breast. A guttural moan spilled from Kate's mouth as her eyes fluttered open rather abruptly. She felt Castle's other hand graze the bottom side of Kate's other breast and gasped as Castle's thumb grazed her already erect left nipple. It too, was suddenly surrounded by molten heat as Castle switched sides, suckling on her left breast. Kate's body seized up in pleasure as Castle's hand squeezed her right breast, which already tingled from the cool air that was licking at the damp flesh Castle had so kindly neglected. She couldn't stop the moans anymore as her hands reached out for Castle. She had to reach him. She had to get him to come back to her. She had to kiss that perfect mouth of his, or she honestly thought that she might die.

"Cas-tle," Kate tried to utter his name but failed as another jolt of pleasure overtook her body. His tongue drew a delicate circle around her navel as he traveled further downwards, away from where she wanted him. But her mind became mush as he delved his tongue into the shallow depression of her belly button. Kate squeezed her eyes shut as he ventured even lower, closer to the dark curls painting the juncture of her legs. Her hips rose up as she buried her hands in his hair. She kept tugging and pulling, unwilling to give up. Finally, Castle looked up and met her eyes. She stared back at him, and her eyes locked with two bottomless pools of blue. His eyes were beautiful, mesmerizing. And, yes, bottomless. They were like a bottomless well, windows to his soul, and they were beautiful. So god-damned beautiful that she felt as if she could stare at them forever and still not accurately gauge their depths. Her chest bobbed up and down wildly as her body was over taken with fervent desire. She had never felt this ardent desire for anyone else. Ever. With Castle everything was different. "Please," she begged breathlessly. "Castle I need you." He arched an eyebrow as if to say, 'Don't you have me already?' and Kate let out a growl. "Not like that," she corrected. "I want to be able to kiss you back. Touch you." Castle hesitated for a moment.

"Oh, please, don't make me beg!" Kate breathed as she tugged at his body again. She only had to ask once. She tugged him upwards and he followed her hands straight to her lips. Lips crashed together hungrily, and Kate's nails raked gently through Castle's hair. And as far as Castle was concerned, it was the best feeling in the world. Feeling Kate's fingers rake through his hair, made him feel safe, comforted. It was soothing and a little bit erotic, both at the same time. Castle felt a pang of loss as Kate's hands slid down to grip his shoulders, holding him flush against her while Castle's mouth wandered, as it always did. Eyes fluttered opened and closed as she became overwhelmed by all of the sensations. She could feel Castle's erection graze her abdomen, feel the weight of him over her. She could no longer hold back the moans, as she was unbelievably turned on. She silently decided that this was the best wake up she'd ever had. Teeth grazed her neck in a stinging bite, before Castle's tongue deftly slipped out to sooth away the sharp pang. Kate gasped at the sudden rush of pleasure that the pain gave her. Hands suddenly roamed over naked flesh as Kate allowed herself to explore. Castle's skin burned fiercely under Kate's fingertips as she slid them over his strong hips, and muscular lower back. Kate's head dropped back against the pillows and she turned to give him better access. Her eyes were sealed shut as she reveled in the sensation. She loved it when he nuzzled and kissed her neck. Had she been standing, as she was the first time they'd done this, her knees would have given out long ago.

Kate's eyes shot open as she felt Castle's lips on hers once more. She kissed him as passionately as was possible, unafraid to convey the need and desperation for him that she felt. "Castle..." the whimper was something a bit out of character for Kate. But Rick absolutely loved the way she could be so vulnerable when in the midst of their lovemaking.

"Shh," Castle whispered as he gave a soothing whisper of a kiss. "It's okay. I've got you, Kate."

"P-Please…I… I need," her voice cracked under the intensity of her need. She was on the verge of tears now. The burn in her lower abdomen had become this sort of painful throb, a raging inferno that could no longer be quenched. It was absolutely torturous. The throbbing between her legs seemed unable to be alleviated. Kate's body arched into his, trying to use the friction to quell her own desire.

"What do you want me to do?" Castle asked, trying to gauge what sort of act she wanted.

"I want you," Kate pleaded. "Castle, please. I…I. just. want .you!" Castle felt a chill take over his body, and his heart skip a beat as he remembered hearing those words a mere few weeks ago. Those words had changed everything. Castle was now too busy stuck inside his own head, and was too busy getting lost in his emotions that he missed Kate's words.

"P-Please," Kate begged, as she locked eyes with her lover. "I-Inside me. I need you i-inside." Castle kissed her, a deep passionate kiss that drew the air from her lungs. His tongue thrust its way into her mouth and she accepted it. And in turn, her tongue reached out to mate with his. Silken muscles twisted and contorted, fought and acquiesced. Kate let out another moan as Castle's fingers slid slowly down the plane of her stomach to the damp curls that marked his destination. Her throat opened in another moan as Castle's fingers slid between her folds, testing whether she was in fact ready for him. He swallowed thickly, his adam's apple bobbing up and down as he discovered how truly ready she was for him. His fingers dipped easily into wet, liquefied heat. Kate gasped as they pushed deeper, penetrating her in the most delicious way. She moaned again as he moved and stretched her walls.

Castle marveled. "You really want this, don't you?" Kate's body answered on its own as her back arched, pushing her up into Castle's body, using the friction of skin on skin to elicit another moan. "One thing that you should know?" Kate whispered breathlessly in Castle's ear, causing his body to shudder in a fit of want. "Is that no one _has_ or _ever will_ turn me on like you do," Kate finished in a voice that, if nothing else, was a little rough with her own desire. Castle shivered again involuntarily. _God, the things this woman could do to him with her words were simply unbelievable_. He tried to recover rather quickly, fearing that he would betray himself and Kate would realize just how much power she had over him. That fact is, that Castle felt like putty in her hands. And so he nodded, biting down on the inside of his cheek as he moaned himself. There was nothing hotter than feeling how much she wanted him. Slowly he withdrew his fingers from inside of her, much to Kate's displeasure.

He took Kate's lips in his again as she started to protest. She clearly wanted things to progress faster. Instead, they exchanged another series of passionate kisses. And despite the overheated passion, and the fervent desire that was behind each kiss, they were surprisingly languid and fluid. A shiver shot quickly up Castle's spine, and he was left wondering if it was the sensation of Kate's fingers trailing their way up his body, or if it was from the cool air currently licking at his hypersensitive flesh.

Kate's breathing hitched as Castle pushed into her for the first time, their bodies connecting in an electrifying, astonishing manner. It was amazing how they fit together so perfectly, as if they were tailored by god's own hands. They were puzzle pieces that were meant to fit together just so. Hands roamed impatiently, but deliberately, causing moans to escape from lips and bodies that were now so heated, sweat began to collect on their skin.

Kate let out a moan as Castle's mouth devoured her now glistening, and slightly salty tasting skin. Every time he made her cry out, somehow his lips were there to swallow her cries. And when she finally came, he soothed her and attended to her in a way that prolonged her impeccable fall from the highest of places. She was breathless as he dropped to the mattress beside her.

She bit down on her bottom lip in that adorable, but shy way that she always did as she chanced a glance over towards him. He smiled back at her boyishly, happy to be the source of her untarnished happiness. And as she met his eyes and the mischief there a giggle involuntarily bubbled up causing her to laugh. It was sweet, laced with honey, and so perfect. Kate rolled over, hovering over Castle's exhausted body for a long moment, just trying to take in the moment. They had done this so many times already. But for some reason, every time felt like the first time. No matter how different each time was.

"So," she breathed shyly, "her eyes twinkling." She hesitated a moment, her gaze flirtatious, "Did you umm… like it?"

"Yeah," he replied honestly, still quite dizzy. "You?"

Kate nodded wordlessly. "I'd say that we should go again, but…" Castle glanced at the clock, wishing that he could freeze time.

"Duty calls," Castle finished for her, the terrible pun not lost on either of them. "So…umm… shower?" he asked awkwardly.

"Pancakes?" Kate asked hopefully. Castle let out a youthful laugh.

"I did promise you some pancakes, didn't I?" Castle recalled. "Okay. Give me five minutes in the shower, and then its all yours. Hopefully, I'll have breakfast done by the time you get dressed." The thought did occur to both of them that they could simply just shower together. But they also realized that they just couldn't trust themselves not to take advantage of one another in that particular situation. And so Castle took his turn first, slipping out with his seemingly perfect body covered in droplets of water. Kate was waiting to take his place. He laughed mischievously as he shook his head from side to side, trying to bombard her with the many droplets of water currently dampening his hair. Kate, knowing him all too well, threw up her arms, using them to shield her from most of the water. He couldn't help but stare at her, she and her perfectly tanned body made her look more like a goddess than ever, slipped in. He allowed himself the luxury of raking his eyes up perfectly toned legs that seemed to go on forever, before the door to the shower shut and obscured his view. It took all of his self-control to slip into some clothing and head for the kitchen. After all, he had a promise to keep.

* * *

"Aww," Kate smiled happily as she walked into the kitchen, and then plopped down at the breakfast bar as she waited for Castle to finish breakfast. "You are making me pancakes!"

"Yeah," Castle smiled. "And I'm also making some bacon and eggs too. They should be almost done."

"Everything smells great," Kate marveled at his cooking skills as he went from skillet to skillet, making sure everything was just right. He even found time to offer her something to drink.

"Orange Juice?" He asked as he left the pans for a few seconds and pulled a small pitcher of O.J. out from the fridge. "Or coffee?"

"Some coffee would be great. Thanks!" Kate watched as Castle put the pitcher back in the fridge and walked over to his espresso machine. He poured her a mug of hot coffee, just the way she liked it, and set it right in front of her. She took a small sip and then smiled. She couldn't help it. Everything seemed so perfect. God, waking up to Castle every morning, having breakfast together, was more than she could have ever asked for. Her other relationships in the past had been different. I mean… it's not like she'd never had a sleep over before, but somehow, all of those times seemed different. They just didn't compare. It was probably because she wasn't in love with those people. Sure, she liked them, and cared about them, but it wasn't love. There was no passion there. And because of that lack of passion Kate had found herself going through the motions of living her life. With Castle, things were just so totally different. Not only did she love him, but also she found herself wanting to spend every minute of every day with him. And sometimes even that didn't seem like enough. In some ways that scared the hell out of her, and in others, it made her wonder what she'd been missing out on all of these years. With Castle, she was living the dream she'd had since she was five years old. She grown up watching her parents, and their not so subtle gestures of affection. It was from them that she'd derived this picture of what she wanted her life to be like. For a long time after Kate's mother's death, she'd tried to suppress that picture, delete it from her memory. But the one thing that she couldn't deny was the way Castle fit into that picture so perfectly. She felt the same things for him that she was sure her mother felt for her father.

Kate had just taken the first bite of what turned out to be an exquisite blueberry pancake, when her phone started to ring. She made a point of swallowing as she snatched her phone up from the counter and answered with a simple, "Beckett." A beat. "Oh, hey, Ryan." Castle turned away, trying not to eavesdrop. "So, you guys make any progress on the case last night after we left?" A pause as Ryan answered. "Darn. Well, okay. I'll be in as soon as possible." There was another pause as Ryan said something. "Oh…umm," Kate suddenly sounded uncomfortable, "That's cause I'm not at my apartment." Kate's cheeks flushed with color. "Uh huh. Yeah. How old are we again? Right. Boys…" she joked, but Castle could tell she was a little put off by Ryan's comments. Castle swallowed thickly. "So…umm… Have you called Castle, yet?" This time Castle heard Ryan's distinct, "No."

"Oh, okay. Well, that's okay," Kate replied, "I'll give him a call then, and see if he'll meet us there." Then another pause. "Okay. See you soon." Kate flipped her phone closed, and set it back down on the counter. She promptly dove back into her breakfast as Castle looked up at her hesitantly. He was pretending to clean the counter with a clean dish rag, but was doing a poor job of it. Kate took a bite and froze, sensing his eyes on her. She carefully resumed chewing what was in her mouth, and made a point of getting it down into to a manageable size before she forced herself to swallow, and finally looked up at him with a confused expression.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Nothing," Castle shook his head, disheartened by what he'd heard. He threw the rag over his shoulder. "It's nothing." He quickly tried to redirect the conversation, realizing that they were venturing into dangerous territory, "How are the pancakes?"

"The pancakes are…" Castle almost got her, but she caught herself before he could get away with it.

"Wait a minute," Kate grunted as she dropped her fork, letting it clatter against her plate as she glared at him accusingly. "You had me for a moment there." Then. "Don't do that."

"Do what?" Castle asked as innocently as he could muster, wishing he could control his facial expressions just a little better.

"You know what," Kate said in reprimand, "Don't change the subject." She didn't wait long before demanding, "Why were you looking at me like that?"

"I…" Castle stumbled, groping for words that wouldn't come. "Look, I know that we agreed to keep this a secret…us a secret, but I just can't help but wonder… when does this end?" He sighed as he gave up. "When are we actually going to tell the others the truth?" He breathed.

"When we're ready to tell them," Kate said calmly. "The fact is they don't need to know everything that goes on in our personal lives, Castle." She paused to take a breath. "I mean… I know how this goes, Rick. I _know_ what happens next. First, we come out to our friends about us, and then before we know it, someone in the precinct slips up. Maybe it's Ryan or Esposito, or Lanie. It doesn't matter. But at some point, someone is going to overhear some off-handed comment, figure out what's going on, and then leak it to the press for some kind of a payoff. And once that happens? We'll never have a private moment. Ever."

"But they are our friends, Kate," Castle groaned, "We're talking about Ryan, Esposito and Lanie, here. It's not like they're going to sell us out on purpose. And frankly? They already know something is going on. I mean seriously… Has a day actually gone by where Lanie hasn't badgered you about the man you've been sleeping with? Because Ryan and Esposito will not get off my back."

"Castle," Kate sighed tiredly, in a bit of resignation, "I…I thought you were okay with this."

"I…I know," Castle replied. "I know. The truth is, that I…. I thought I was. I mean... It was fun at first. It honestly felt like I was a teenager again, and there's a certain amount of excitement that comes with that. But after a certain point, something changed. I thought I was okay with how things are, but the truth is, that I'm tired, Kate. And I can't do this any more. I _don't_ _want_ to have to hide anymore. All this lying to everyone. It's exhausting. I mean... my own daughter doesn't know. And, god, I've _always_ told her _everything_." He met her eyes, his gaze and expression sincere. "Look, I love you, Kate." A beat. "And I know. I know you're not ready to say it back and that's fine, but it's hard. It's hard trying to find a way to make this work."

"Castle," Kate pleaded softly, wishing he would let it go. She was at a complete loss of words, and had no idea what to say. She felt like she was being blindsided. Everything had seemed fine. In fact, Kate had spent the last few weeks thinking that it was what Castle wanted. Now she just felt guilty. Because she was the one who was hiding, and she was the one who wasn't ready to tell anyone just yet. Hell, she'd even lied to her own father.

"No. No more putting this off. I... I love you, Kate," Castle repeated softly. "And I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out why I should have to hide my feelings for you." Castle closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It just seems unfair."

"You shouldn't," Kate replied finally. "You're right, Castle. The fact is… You shouldn't. You shouldn't have to hide how you feel." Kate looked to be on the verge of tears now. "Look," Kate spoke softly, "I understand how you feel. And just because I'm not ready to say it yet… doesn't mean that I don't feel that way…" She was grasping for words, hoping she didn't say anything wrong. "You know that I… I care about you, Rick. So much. I do. I just need…"

"More time," Castle finished for her, "I know." He felt his heart shatter a little in his chest, as the doubt started to creep in. It seemed like they had been having the same conversation over and over with the same results, as of late. He kept waiting to hear those three words. And still she hadn't uttered them. Despite the fact that he tried to convince himself that she did love him, and that she just wasn't ready to say it yet, the fear and insecurity had started to eat away at him. Now he wasn't so sure she loved him.

"I just..." He paused, took a breath and then asked," When, Kate?" Castle breathed. "God, I hate having to ask, because I've been trying to be so patient. But when? When will you be ready?"

"I don't know," Kate answered. "I honestly can't answer that, Castle. And I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," he breathed as he met her eyes. "You know... It's probably my fault. We umm... we sort of rushed into things at a time where there were so many things going on. I mean you still have a lot to deal with emotionally, after finally finding out who murdered your mother. And I think that maybe... maybe we should just slow things down a little. We've been moving so fast… Maybe we should… should take a break." Then. "It's only fair that you have time to work through the things that you need to."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Kate asked, her heart in her throat. The breakfast in front of her was forgotten now. "You want to..." Kate looked genuinely hurt. "Take a break." She swallowed. "You want to break up with me?"

"What?!" Castle looked horrified. "No! It's... not like that." Then. "God, Kate. You know I love you and I'll always be here. Always. I just want you to be sure that you want this... that you're ready for this. And if I have to wait a little longer for that to happen, then... I'll do it."

"Okay. So we take a break? What does that mean?"

"That I give you some space," Castle replied. "And instead of expelling all of this energy running around and hiding our relationship from everyone else, we put the relationship aside, and we just focus on what we always have. We focus on work and try to let the other stuff fall into place."

"Okay," Kate nodded. "Okay... Well, I'm umm… going to finish getting ready." She made a point of avoiding his eyes as she spoke. "Ryan and Esposito are probably waiting on us. They want to canvas the old apartment building where Elise was murdered, since all of our other leads have turned out empty. We should probably get out of here soon."

* * *

The ride from Castle's loft to the apartment building where they were supposed to meet Ryan and Esposito was completely silent. Castle was determined not to look and Kate, and Kate was clearly determined to not so much as glance in Castle's direction.

Castle ultimately broke first, as he was unable to take the silence. He switched on the radio, and put it on some sports station that he didn't really care about. He was half expecting Kate to yell at him and tell him to turn it off, but surprisingly, she did not say a word.

When they got to the apartment building, Castle stepped out of the cruiser and into the blazing heat of the city. He could feel the heat on his skin and it was enough of a contrast to the air conditioning in the police cruiser that his breath hitched in his throat. He could practically feel the sweat building on his brow already.

Kate, in the meantime, popped the trunk open and walked around to the back of her unmarked cruiser. She pulled out her deep blue kevlar vest and held onto it for a moment. Then she began undoing the velcro and slipped it over her head.

Castle looked over to where Ryan and Esposito were putting theirs on and said. "What do we need the vests for?" he inquired. "We're just canvasing and it's got to be like a hundred degrees out here."

"Just put on the vest, Castle," Kate bit out a little more harshly than she intended. She still felt bad about their discussion. And in some ways, she was being unreasonable. But wanting to protect him, to keep him safe, was not something she was willing to compromise or negotiate about. Castle reached into the trunk and pulled out his navy vest; the one with writer emblazoned on the front in big white letters and back in big white letters, and just stared at it. He hefted the thing and cringed. It had to be like fifty pounds, and there was just no way he wanted to bother with it in this heat.

"Seriously?" Kate was growing impatient.

"I don't need it," Castle argued. "We're knocking on some doors. That's it."

"Are you forgetting where we are?" Esposito interjected, taking Kate's side. He couldn't help but think like a cop. "It's New York, bro. You just never know what's going to happen."

"Castle," Kate cut back in. "For god's sake, stop acting like a five year old put on the damned vest."

She could feel Esposito and Ryan's eyes on them, and it only made her that much more upset. It made her furious because she knew that Castle was deliberately trying to be difficult. In some ways he really was acting like a five year old. Her hazel eyes were blazing with a passion and stubbornness of her own as she looked at Castle. She paused to take a calming breath, afraid to unleash her true feelings. The fact is, that cared about what he did more than she wanted to admit. And because of that, she tried pretending the opposite.

"You know what? At this point, Castle? I don't care what you do. If you don't want to wear the vest, then don't wear the vest. It's your _life_, and _your_ body. If you get shot and die, then that's on you. Just don't expect me to care. Because I honestly don't care what happens at this point." Kate continued, spurred on by her anger and frustration. "The fact is, that I have a job to do! And I _really_ don't have time to deal with this crap right now. So either put on the damned vest, or you know… don't put on the vest, but in the meantime? I'll be upstairs doing my job." Kate shook her head, and sighed, feeling completely bewildered by the fact that they now seemingly were getting into arguments about everything. "I'm over this."

Shouldn't relationships with the people you love be easier than this? The truth was that she didn't know why she was so reluctant to tell the others.

Castle watched, seemingly transfixed as she secured her vest, her belt, her badge, and her service weapon, before storming through the front doors of the building. Castle's eyes darted from the deep blue Kevlar vest in his own hand to the empty trunk in front of him. He had to make a choice. And after Kate's words? He wasn't even sure if he cared which one he made.

"You coming?" Ryan's voice pulled Castle out of the trance he was in and Castle nodded as he slammed the trunk shut with a resounding thud.

"You know what floor Kate was going to?" Castle asked Esposito.

"Third," Esposito replied. "We'll take the floor below." Castle nodded. "And Castle?" he added cheekily, "Try not to piss off the Mrs. too much, okay?" Castle hoped that Esposito couldn't hear the large gulp that followed as Castle tried not to swallow his own tongue.

* * *

Castle decided to take the stairs, feeling the muscles of his quadriceps and calves burn slightly as he climbed one flight of stairs, and then a second and a third. On each landing, he paused, wondering if he should just turn back and give Kate some space. Still, he pushed onwards. He was her partner. He had to do this. Somehow, they had to find a way back to the way things were before, when things were fun and uncomplicated. Now it was seemingly impossible to pretend that both of their hearts weren't on the line.

A thin sheen of sweat took up residence on his brow as he reached the final landing. He walked slowly towards the reinforced door that led into the main hallway of the third floor.

He hesitated again, his hand remaining frozen on the handle for a long heart stopping moment before he summoned up enough courage to turn it. With a twist of his wrist, he pulled the door open. It was too quiet for his liking. Far too quiet. The lines on his face began to deepen as he thought of all of the ways things could go wrong. After all, it was only the four of them in this building. There was no back up. Still, he pressed on. He took a moment to grumble about the unpleasantness of the situation. Not knowing where Kate was bothered him more than he cared to admit. It was stupid really, but he felt like he was supposed to protect her.

'Beckett should be here somewhere.'

"Beckett?" Castle called out in a faltering tone. Something in the pit of his stomach seemed unsettled, and no matter what Castle did to try and shake that feeling, something definitely wasn't right. He knew he shouldn't feel so anxious, because they were only two officers of the law canvassing the area for witnesses to a murder. Still, it was a city, a city full of people who would rather not be disturbed. And despite Castle's personal knowledge of the procedure, it was still unpleasant. He tried to stay as calm as possible. After all, cops in uniforms frequently went from door to door every day, gathering information from possible witnesses. Since they were completely stonewalled by the case they were currently working, it only made sense for them to ask for a little help. And truth be told, this wasn't the first that he had participated in. Not by a long shot. But again, Castle felt his stomach tighten as he stepped further down the hall.

Castle was halfway down the hall when he finally heard a loud knock, coming from one of the narrow hallways that came off the main one. He turned the corner and let out a sigh of relief as he laid eyes on his beautiful partner. Castle heard the creak of the door as it opened a fraction of an inch.

"Hello?" a timid voice asked from inside, "How can I help you?"

"Hi," Kate let out a gentle breath of air, as she showed the woman her badge. "I'm Detective Beckett with the NYPD." She paused for a long moment, giving the gray-haired woman a chance to confirm her identity. "Umm… I'm not really sure if you were aware, but there was a murder that took place a little further down the hall several days ago. Actually, come to think of it, you probably talked to a uniformed officer already, but I was wondering if you remember hearing or seeing anything that you would deem…umm… unusual." She took a nervous breath. No matter how many people she talked to, she still always felt a bit nervous. Castle could tell this because she ran her fingers gently over the numbers of her gold and navy badge as she talked. "We believe that the murder took place between 10:30 and 12:00 last Friday night. In Apartment 306." A beat. Then. "I would greatly appreciate any help you might be willing to give."

"I'm sorry," the old woman replied. "I really am. But I'm usually asleep by 9:00, and I can't remember hearing or seeing anything unusual."

"It's okay," Kate sighed, starting to feel a bit frustrated by her lack of progress. She'd already knocked on about a dozen doors. But she wasn't about to give up yet. The way she saw it, was that someone had to have seen something. "Well thank you. You have a good day."

"I'm just sorry that I couldn't be of any more help, dear," the woman smiled weakly. "You have a good day, yourself," she implored Kate as she shut the door gently, and Kate turned away it with a forlorn sigh.

"Hey," Castle's greeting made her jump a little bit.

"Castle," Kate practically growled. "I thought I told you to leave me alone."

"You must have thought it," Castle replied. "Because I don't think you ever said it aloud." He tried to give her a charming smile, but failed miserably. "But it probably wouldn't have mattered. Since when have I ever listened to you, anyways?" He teased, hoping to lighten the mood. All he received in return was cold look from his err… partner.

"Look," Castle replied softly. "I know that you're upset with me, but there are a lot of people to talk to. I just want to help."

She sized him up for a long moment before she reluctantly relented. "Fine," Kate ceded. "Take the other side of the hall." Then. "And for god's sake, Castle, stick to the point. There's no need to talk some poor person's ear off. We're just looking for a little information." Castle nodded, watching, as Kate knocked on another door just a little bit further down the hallway. Castle turned and stepped to the side as a young man carrying two bags of groceries ambled down the hall from his right. Castle watched as the man stopped in front of a door a few down from where Kate was currently talking with another tenant. The man, who looked to be in his late 20's or early 30's, struggled to pull his keys from his jean pockets without letting the bags of groceries in both arms topple over. He seemed unaware of his presence, but Castle decided to intervene. Castle watched as he finally pulled the keys free, but the man was quickly faced with the new task of unlocking his door. The man struggled some more and Castle decided to step in and help. After all, what was civil service if you didn't ultimately help people?

"Here," Castle offered as he took one of the bags from the young man's arm. "Let me help you." Castle stood stock still, watching as the man slid the key into the lock and the keys on his ring jingled as he turned the key over. The door popped open easily, and the man pushed his way inside. Castle watched as the man walked inside, and dropped the first bag onto the countertop. Castle took a step or two into the man's apartment and then froze as the mans' sleeves slid up his forearms, revealing something that really unsettled Castle. A tingle shot up Castle's spine as he saw unmistakable cuts on the man's hand and forearm. They were definitely the sort that resulted from a sort of physical struggle. And as if to make things worse, Kate's timing was about as bad as it got. Before Castle could hand off the groceries, and back out of his apartment, Kate was just across the hall knocking on another door. Every muscle in Castle's body seized up as the word "NYPD" echoed throughout the hallway. It was no different for the man either. Castle watched as every muscle in the man's body tightened in anticipation. The man, who Castle very much now wished he had just left alone, felt threatened and intended to act against that threat, which just happened to be his partner, who was currently wearing an emblazoned vest with NYPD written in big white block letters across the front and back. And what was worse, is that she had absolutely no idea what was coming.

It all came down to a few seconds, the blink of an eye, before it happened. Castle could hardly prepare himself as he put himself between the man and Kate. And for his actions, he was thrown against the door, and out of the man's way. Castle tried to catch the doorjamb with his hand as he fell backwards, but the bag of groceries that was still in his right arm, kept him from doing so. Apples and oranges and miscellaneous items tumbled from the bag as he hit the floor. Castle tossed it aside a she struggled to get up from the floor in time to intervene, but it was already to late. Helplessly, Castle watched the man reach behind him, pulling a gun from behind his back. And it was that moment, when Castle laid eyes on the handgun, that he truly knew that he must be trapped in some sort of nightmare, and that he and Kate were in mortal danger. Castle did the only thing he could think of.

"BECKETT! Behind you! Gun!"

Kate spun around just as the man fired one deafening shot, and Kate was thrown backwards by the force of the shot, falling backwards through the doorway across the hall, and into the apartment. The tenant threw themselves out of the way, screaming bloody murder. Kate had never even gotten the chance to draw her weapon. By the time she'd heard Castle's scream and reacted, the gun had been fired, and she was on the floor with her ears ringing. Kate gasped as the air was stolen from her lungs. She lay flat on the floor for a moment, her ears still ringing from the shock of being shot at such close range. Her chest rose up and down frantically, and she struggled to push herself up several times before ultimately giving up. She pulled her service weapon from her holster and promptly dropped it. Her hands were shaking too badly from the shock of what had just happened.

When Kate went down, Castle's heart stopped. He scrambled frantically over to her and hovered over her. She moaned softly, holding her left side.

"Kate?!" His voice held a bit of panic to it as he said her name again and again.

"I'm fine," She reassured him before he could even fuss over her. "It hit the vest. I'm fine."

"I just... need a minute," she wheezed. He helped her into a seated position. As his eyes glanced over her service piece, he suddenly had an idea."

"It's okay," he reassured her. "I've got this." He picked the gun up in his hand.

"Cas-tle" Kate's voice was full of confusion. "What are you…?" But before she could even finish the question Castle was already sprinting down the hall after the shooter.

No one hurt his partner and got away with it. No one. He was not about to let this man get away. Not without causing him some serious pain anyways.

"Castle! Castle, no!" Kate kept shouting, trying to grab onto anything that would help her get up from the floor faster, but it was too late. Castle was out of sight. "Castle! D-Don't!" Then breathlessly, "Oh, god! This is not happening." Kate suddenly felt overwhelming panic. Castle was going after the shooter, by himself. She screamed a loud feral scream as she redoubled her previous efforts to push herself up off of the floor. She had to get to the man she loved before she lost him.

Castle was a good shot, but he was lousy in hand-to-hand combat, and she knew he could get himself killed without her there. Slowly, she got to her knees, silently hoping that Ryan and Esposito had heard the shot that was fired from the floor below. She could hear screams as other people recognized the sound and felt threatened by it. She managed to get to her feet and not so gracefully pulled herself along the wall, leaning against it for support as she followed slowly in Castle's wake.

Castle sprinted through the labyrinth of hallways to another stairwell on the far end of the building. He heard the door to the stairwell shut with a resounding clatter, as if it were a beacon. And as Castle reached the stairwell, he kicked open the door and rushed through it with his gun held squarely in front of him, in a combative stance. He'd expected the man to be halfway down the stairs, but the fugitive surprised him, by lying in wait. By the time Castle turned to the side to check for clearance, the assailant was already on him.

Castle, though he wasn't caught completely unaware when the man seemingly lunged out from behind the door and grabbed his arm, still struggled to maintain the upper hand, and more importantly, control of his weapon. Two shots fired out of the service weapon as Castle's forefinger tightened over the trigger. Castle could hear the shots ricochet off the railing and imbed themselves in the wall of the stairwell. Castle winced as he tried to pull his finger away from the trigger only for it to get jammed between the trigger-guard and the trigger itself, while he was still struggling for control of the weapon. Castle tasted blood as the man landed an elbow to his jaw, and he accidentally bit down on his tongue. He spat it out without so much as another thought. And though Castle felt vulnerable, he continued to fight, throwing his weight into his own counter-assault, as he tried to hang onto his own weapon at all cost. He had to keep the man from getting a hold of it. Castle couldn't figure out what the man had done with the gun he'd used to shoot Kate. But with well defined muscles (biceps, triceps, and deltoids) he clearly didn't need it to cause harm.

The man, who had seemed so docile as Castle had helped him with the groceries, was now someone completely different.

"All those times, she had those parties next door, and asked me to come," he sneered. "It was obvious. She wanted me. And then when she finally had the chance, she made it sound like I was crazy. Like I had forced myself on her! She had it coming! She did!"

"So you killed her?" Castle hissed incredulously. "Because she wouldn't give what was rightly yours?! Because she didn't want you?" He spat at the man's feet. "There's a special place in hell for men like you."

He let out a grunt as Castle hit him once in the gut, and then another time in the face. The man quickly countered, shoving Castle into the railing of the stairwell hard enough to knock the wind out of him. As Castle's arm moved through the air, the assailant grabbed it by the wrist and twisted Castle's hand behind him, slamming it against the railing. Castle held the service weapon in a death grip, his fingers tightening around the handle of the weapon, but after each repeated shock of pain up his arm, the piece slipped millimeter by millimeter from his hand and dropped over the railing. With a yell, Castle forced his head forwards, finding purchase. This was his last effort. He knew he was unarmed now. The man stumbled backwards as Castle's forehead struck his nose and broke it with a gross crunching sound. The man lashed out blindly.

And just when Castle felt like he got the upper hand, a grunt was forced from his lips as the metal of the man's own Sig saucer, which he had lithely slid from its hiding place behind his back, sliced his cheek open rather gruesomely. He stumbled sideways, and looked up just in time to meet the eyes of the man and the sig saucer aimed at his chest.

"There's a special place in hell for you too," the man breathed maliciously as he leveled the weapon at Castle in the blink of an eye.

Castle had no time to react before a deafening explosion met his ears, and he was sent reeling backwards. It was one hell of a way to get the air knocked from his lungs.

Castle gritted his jaw, as he tumbled down the steps in a sort of roll, trying not to cry out as he hit each step on the way down. When he hit the landing, he found the concrete to be quite unforgiving. Castle hit his head. Hard. And for a long moment, everything was a nonsensical whirl of colors that all blurred together. Castle's hands desperately groped for something to help him up, as he realized just how vulnerable he was laying on the floor. He wasn't about to give up just yet. Castle's eyes darted upwards as the man came quickly barreling down the stairs, gun still in hand. And as Castle met the eyes of the man again, he knew that he would not get any mercy. In fact, his intentions were clear. The man intended to kill him, finish him off for good. Castle's eyes darted to the gun in his hand, his vision still blurring with the dizzying movement of his head. Castle's attempts to get up became frantic, though they were weak and feeble. He couldn't breathe. His chest felt like it was on fire. Finally, Castle's hand found purchase on two bars, lining the stairwell and the railings. He started to pull his way up from the floor, only to fall back to the floor as another shot rang out. Castle yelped as another shot was fired. And before he could took another breath, a second was following it. Only this time, the man had better aim. Castle felt the air stolen from his lungs again as the bullet hit him square in the chest and another struck him in the stomach. All he could do was choke on the air in his own lungs. He stared up at the man holding the gun, as he leveled it between Castle's eyes.

Kate couldn't think of anything but her partner as she rushed down the stairs. The only thing… the only thoughts she had were of Castle. She could only think of what it felt like to kiss him, to stare into his eyes, hear his laugh, to see him smile. She the heard the commotion from below and moved down the steps as quickly as she could manage, using the railing for most of her stability. She was still cradling her side, but the pain had already ebbed and had been mostly forgotten. She had to save her partner. She had to protect him.

When the first shot rang out, she froze on the landing, in shock. And then another echoed off of the walls, seemingly causing her to jump back to life. Then, just as suddenly as they started, they stopped. Kate could feel the immense weight of the spare service piece, she had pulled from her ankle holster in her hand and could only hope that she wasn't too late. She rushed down the last flight.

"Any last words?" He hissed coldly. Castle closed his eyes. He silently begged whoever it was that was up in the sky to have mercy. The muscles in his body tensed, ready for death. What more could he do? He was defenseless. He was going to die. It was that simple.

However, when the next shot rang out, Castle did not feel anything. For a moment he wondered if he felt nothing because he was in fact dead. But then more of the white-hot pain came back and he realized that he was, in effect, still alive. Castle's eyes flew open to find the man plummeting to the ground. He watched as Three. No four rounds went into him, dropping him like a rag doll. Castle listened as shot after shot echoed off of the walls until a clicking noise took over, signaling that the chamber of the gun was empty. Whoever it was who had shot the man, had emptied the entire clip into him before they were satisfied. Castle couldn't blame them. After all, the man deserved nothing less. And now he was certainly dead. And Castle was alive. Alive. Thank god.

Castle shifted, a groan escaping his parted lips as a renewed fire made itself known in his body. He continued trying to push himself up off of the floor, but the effort was futile. Castle's hand and the rest of his body shook uncontrollably as he struggled to breathe in enough to keep from passing out. He let out a grunt as a shooting pain made its way across his chest and he was left gasping for air. Rick made a choking sound in the back of his throat as he struggled to breath shallow enough to avoid more of the searing pain overtaking his torso. Everything hurt. Movement seemed torturous and impossible. Castle was left to groan softly through his teeth as he tried to turn his neck to see who had ultimately saved his life. Whoever it was, Castle knew that he owed them big time.

He was unprepared, however, for what his eyes met. Castle blinked several times, just staring into Kate's blazing hazel brown eyes. They were full of fury, passion. And for the longest moment, neither of them dared to breath, or move the slightest inch as they held eachother's gaze. Castle, felt the pain drone on in the back of his mind, though Kate's presence was enough to lessen and diminish it within the bounds of tolerance. A dark red, sticky, thick substance was staining Castle's shirt and was slowly spilling out onto the floor.

"Beckett," Castle barely managed to get the name out through his gritted jaw before everything went black. Kate stared back, her eyes finding the red staining Castle's shirt. Immediately, her worst fears were realized. Her previous words echoed tauntingly in her head. She was still partially in shock. And then suddenly, all of Kate's emotions came back at once.

Ryan and Esposito reached the landing just in time to watch the gun slip out of Kate's hand like a dead weight and drop to the floor with a loud clatter. Kate rushed down the last few stairs to the landing where Castle lay, sprawled on the floor.

"Cas-tle," Kate's voice was broken, as tears slipped from her shimmering brown eyes. Her breathing was ragged and distraught.

The wavy haired brunette dropped to her knees, a sob breaking out from the back of her throat. "Oh, god." She breathed, seeing Castle struggling to breathe. She could see three bullet holes in Castle's plaid shirt. And she could only assume that this was it… that she was too late and that this was the end. "No. Please, not like this. No." Kate shook him as vigorously as she felt comfortable with given his injuries, causing him to jump back to consciousness with a groan.

"Castle," Kate's voice was like a beacon. It was something for him to cling to when it seemed like nothing but the pain could fill his mind. Castle squeezed his eyes shut again as Kate ran her hand softly over his cheek, trying to take his mind off of the pain. Another sob broke through the back of the detective's throat. "Rick."

"I'm sorry… I… I thought that I could," Castle whispered weakly. "I'm so sorry," he grated out again, his voice rough and broken. "I made a mess of things."

Ryan and Esposito watched in a state of shock, as they took in the scene, and the carnage. But most importantly, the way that Kate's hands and body were trembling uncontrollably as she brought her hands to the top of Castle's shirt. It was then that they and Rick understood. Kate thought he was dying. Hell, Ryan and Esposito thought he was dying. Their throats seized up as they watched Kate move in slow motion.

"It's okay," Castle managed to choke out calmly, although it hurt to breathe at all. "Beckett. It's all right." His calmness, coolness, only unnerved Kate more. She'd experienced it before…the calmness, the resignation, when she'd been shot and lying in Castle's arms. She couldn't bear the thought that she would lose him now, after everything.

Before Castle could say anything else, Kate was ripping his shirt open. And for a long heart stopping moment, the brunette's hazel eyes were squeezed shut as she tore the fabric away, desperate not to see what lay beneath. She was desperately afraid of what she'd find. Another violent sob broke through Kate's throat, as Kate forced her eyes back open, and forced herself to see. What she found was not what she expected. The deep blue Kevlar vest underneath Castle's shirt was all she could have ever asked for, prayed for.

For once in their long sordid partnership, he had listened. He had listened, and had put on the vest after all. This only made Kate cry harder.

"Oh god," Kate cried again as she dropped her head in shock and relief. Castle felt the raw emotion and the relief overtaking his partner. And he cried with her. Tears left Castle's own eyes as Kate dropped her forehead, brushing it against his in a silent display of affection, but more importantly, of need. Castle closed his eyes, feeling Kate's heaving breaths as the usually composed detective struggled to calm herself. She was so distraught he wasn't sure how to comfort her any more. He felt like a jerk for causing her so much pain.

"Shh. It's okay. I'm okay." Castle repeated. "It's going to be fine. We're going to be fine." But try as she might, Kate couldn't stop crying. The fear of losing Castle, in thinking that her lover was going to die right in front of her were too much. It was a reality check for the both of them, and it reminded her of what really matters. They matter. She and Castle were supposed to be together. She could care less about the rest of it.

Somehow, the moment shared between the two of them was extremely tender. It was clear that they both knew that this moment would stick with them forever.

"You're hurt," she whispered.

"It just grazed me," Castle replied as he covered the shallow fissure in his side with his hand, applying pressure where a stray bullet had ricocheted and struck him just under where the kevlar left off.

Ryan and Esposito's confusion turned to understanding as Kate took Rick's mouth in a passionate kiss. It was a display of affection and love that could not possibly be mistaken by anyone. Questions that had been voiced by Esposito and Ryan for weeks suddenly had an answer. They inwardly kicked themselves as they realized that they should have figured it out earlier.

They were torn between taking action, as Kate spoke again. It seemed like they were intruding on something deeply personal.

"Oh, god. For a moment I thought that you…" Kate cried aloud, her voice hardly a whisper.

"I know…" Castle replied softly. Gasping as Kate shifted her weight, causing his pain to flare. "I know, Kate. I'm so sorry."

"No," Kate shook her head, as tears streamed down her cheeks. "I'm the one that is sorry." Kate brought her lips down on Castle's again, kissing the writer as if her life depended on it. "I love you," Kate sobbed softly, "So much." Then for good measure, she repeated it as a mantra. "I love you. I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone."

"God, I love you too," He breathed. Kate delicately traced patterns in the Kevlar, running her fingers gently over the three imbedded slugs. They were still warm to the touch, heated by the friction of the metal against the casings and their abrupt impact with Castle's vest. And Castle, in the mean time, winced and let out a load groan. Unable to keep from crying out in pain.

Castle coughed, his chest heaving up and down as his mind went back to the overwhelming pain, and he struggled to breathe. Kate froze as a trickle of red, leaked from his parted lips. She realized that he had internal injuries, and that perhaps he wasn't so okay, after all.

Just as suddenly, her hands were frantically, pulling at the Velcro, and tearing away the Kevlar from Castle's torso. A gasp fell from her lips as she pulled it away and realized he must have been shot point blank, and in a much more lethal spot than she herself had been hit. Black and blue painted his chest in a vast gradient of color, from hues that were red, to dark blue, purple and beyond. Castle's breathing hitched. And he felt a bit of panic himself as tasted still more blood in his mouth.

For another long moment, his vision flickered to complete blackness and back. A gentle tap to his face brought him back. As soon as Ryan and Esposito realized the extent of Castle's injuries, they sprung into action. Esposito was helping Kate, as Ryan radioed for a bus.

"Castle," Kate pleaded, as Castle's eyes fluttered closed.

"He's probably got a collapsed lung, or a lacerated spleen," Esposito breathed. "It's bad, Kate. Really bad." Castle had a hard time making out Esposito's words. They all seemed to slur together in his mind. The thought suddenly occurred to him that he was very tired and would like to take a nap. Yes. Sleep. All he wanted now was to go to sleep.

"No. No. No. Don't go to sleep," Kate pleaded, as she looked into his dilated pupils. "He's got a concussion from the fall," Kate said as she looked to Esposito.

"Keep him awake and talking," Esposito said quietly. "That's all we can do at the moment."

"Castle," he asked calmly, "Can you wriggle your fingers and toes for me?" Castle did as requested. Castle's body trembled more violently, however, as he coughed again. "He's going into shock. It would be good to get his head off of the floor, but he could have a spinal injury. From the looks of it, he tumbled down a whole flight of stairs." Kate went against instinct, gently lifting Castle's head and cradling it in her lap. She ran her fingers soothingly through his hair, trying to draw his attention away from the pain in the rest of his body. Instead, the gesture simply made him more tired.

"Stay with me, Rick," Kate pleaded as she looked down into his eyes, "I need you to stay with me."

"I…I can't breathe," Castle was afraid now. "Beck- Kate, I…I'm scared." It was getting harder and harder to take in oxygen, to breathe at all. And his thoughts were all in such disarray. They were getting harder and harder to put to words. He was scared.

"I know… I know," Kate whispered. "Shh. It's going to be okay. Everything's going to be fine. I promise." Then. "I'm here. Just stay here with me, okay? Talk to me."

"About w-hat?" he grimaced.

"Anything," Kate replied all too quickly, simply desperate to keep him talking.

"I…I g-guess that our secret is out now, huh?" he tried to joke, but got caught up in the middle of a coughing fit. "I really blew it, didn't I?" He coughed violently, his chest rising off the ground. He let out a groan as his body struggled to cope with the amount of pain.

"Shh… Shhh," Kate quieted him. "Y-yes, you did," she admitted. "But it's okay. You were right, though. It's…It's better that they know." Then. "We shouldn't ever have to hide what we feel." Her voice broke as she spoke. "I shouldn't ever have tried to hide how I feel. I love you, Rick. I've loved you for a very very long time. And everyone, especially you, should know that." Castle muttered something incomprehensible in reply, and Kate's brow furrowed in concern.

"Beckett! The paramedics are here!" Ryan's call had her looking up and away from Castle face for a moment as two paramedics bounded up the stairs, followed by a couple of uniforms. And by the time she looked back down to his face, Castle's eyes were closed, his facial expression, calm, serene. His chest moved up and down in a pathetic struggle as his entire body trembled and clung to life. It went on for another couple of breaths, before his body ultimately went completely still.

"Castle?" Kate spoke frantically, cradling his head gently in her lap. "Castle, can you hear me?" Then she shook him. Perhaps even a little more vigorously than she should have. "Castle…" Still nothing. And it was in that moment that Kate Beckett's heart stopped.

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**_A/N: That's it for now! More to come soon! Please be kind enough to leave a review! They really do make it all worth it!_**


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